by Jonette Stabbert
This story previously appeared in the Winter 2007 issue of the now defunct online magazine Mouth Full of Bullets.
Bootsy was small but strong; all those workouts in the gym kept her lithe and muscled. Nonetheless, dragging a dead man through the woods was hard work and she was relieved when she finally reached the clearing that the summer people used for campfires.
She kicked piles of leaves out of the way, then removed a cotton handkerchief from Orvilleās jacket pocket and wiped her face. Despite the crisp autumn air, she was sweating like a pig; the white cotton turned tan from her makeup. She gave Orvilleās body a mighty kick. āBastard!ā she shouted. God, that felt good. She kicked him some more.
āYou wonāt laugh at me anymore, you smug son-of-a-bitch,ā she yelled. āWhoās got the last laugh now, huh?ā He would never again call her a stupid bimbo, never go on about how heād only married her for her looks, about how she was just poor white trash and how grateful she should be for the roof over her head and her fine clothes. Sheād never again have to do all the disgusting things he demanded of her in return for being his wife. Sheād put up with it, because being a rich creepās young trophy wife was better than being a poor exotic dancer. But now she was a widowāa very rich one, even though heād told her that heād left her nothing in his will.
It didnāt take long to collect a suitable amount of firewood. It was as if it had been lying around, waiting for her to gather it together. The wood was dry and the twigs snapped easily.
Bootsy lit the match and watched the fire start. Building fires was the only useful thing she had learned from the Girl Scouts. She sat on her haunches and watched the flames lick at the corpse. For a moment, she debated whether to toss in her wedding ring, but then decided she would keep it as a souvenir.
Damn! Sheād forgotten to remove Orvilleās ring. The bones would burn to nothing, she was fairly sure, but if anyone found the ring⦠So what? With the kind of money she had, she could buy her way out of any trouble. Maybe she should burn down the house, too, as a final gesture.
Nah. Sheād just pick up a plane ticket and fly off to some sunny Mediterranean country. Maybe sheād go to Cannes. Or St. Tropez. Maybe a talent scout or film producer would discover her. She could possibly become famous. Then sheād be rich and famous.
She wanted him to burn. There was no way she was going to allow that evil s.o.b. to have a funeral, knowing it would draw crowds of his rich cronies who would give speeches about how wonderful and clever he was. No way! He would burn in Hell, but first, sheād give him a preparatory roasting.
It was Orvilleās own fault he was dead. If only he hadnāt laughed at her. Thatās what finally killed him. He had laughed at her many times in the past, but never non-stop. Heād called her all kinds of insulting names in the past, too. This time had been different. He wouldnāt stop. He roared. Sheād told him how she was divorcing him because sheād come into a fortune. He laughed so hard he cried when she told him sheād gotten the good news in an email from a Nigerian princess. Heād paused to ask a question. She replied that of course sheād sent her bank details. Sheesh! He must have believed that she was truly stupid; how else could she arrange to receive millions of dollars for helping the princess?
What was so funny? Orville laughed and laughed until his face turned red. He laughed until he ran out of breath and he clutched his chest and his face turned blue.
Bootsy strutted back to the house, casting one last look over her shoulder. Now sheād never know what was so funny, but she yelled one more time at the fire,
āThe last laughās on me, Orville!ā
Love it! Truly delightful!
Very cute story!
Dee
Very funny!
Enjoyed it. Very clever. Not one wasted word!
Thanks for the laughs, Jonette. Nice story.
Excellent story, Jonette. Clever and well-written. I wonder if her Nigerian princess is the same one who’d going to make me filthy rich.
Love it.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Does that mean I’ll have to share my fortune with Earl Staggs and now also with Bootsy?? I knew it was too good to be true!!! Great quick turned clever story!!!
Incredibly funny. Loved it! š