by Terrance Mc Arthur

Details on how to win a copy of Real Vampires Know Size Matters at the end of this review.

Gloriana St. Clair, the plus-size vampire, loves Jeremy Blade. So does Melisandra DuMonde, who had a fling with Jerry while his on-again/off-again relationship with Glory was off-again. Mel wants him back, and–though mortal–has some powerful ammunition…voodoo, in the comedic/romantic/paranormal Real Vampires Know Size Matters by Gerry Bartlett (Real Vampires Have Curves, Real Vampires Don’t Wear Size Six).

Mel’s attempts to get Glory out of the way started with pin-stabbed dolls and suspicious accidents. Now they have grown to mice in Glory’s vintage-clothing store and zombies in the alley, and a jealous woman is the least of her problems. In fact, her apartment is full of them.

A former Siren who has been made mortal is getting chubby on pricey junk food and not paying her way. A rock-star vampire drank too much from a singing partner and now Glory has another new bloodsucker to mentor. The Greek goddess Hebe, Glory’s recently-revealed mom, keeps trying to get her to visit size-conscious Olympus, where Glory will be carefully introduced to Zeus, who was never told about the girl’s existence.

Throw in a vampire scientist who wants to get his hands on a voodoo potion book and a shape-shifting bodyguard who owns a nightclub in Austin, Texas, that stocks synthetic blood and things are bound to get lively…and deadly.

When the new blood-drinker decides that being a vampire is an “if you got it, flaunt it” situation and attracts attention that may shorten her un-life span, Glory has to come up with some fast ideas to keep her friend singing. She also has to free Blade from the voodoo-queen’s clutches without getting herself destroyed into the bargain. On top of that, she has to battle a case of stage-fright when she finds herself on the bill for a Halloween concert.

Bartlett’s situations are quirky and surprising, the dialogue is lively, and the characters do enjoy healthy sex lives, including some frolics with fangs. This is a fun series, and it’s not too hard to get up to speed on the characters and the rules. Give it a nibble and I think you’ll bite.

To enter to win a copy of Real Vampires Know Size Matters, simply email KRL at krlcontests@gmail[dot]com by replacing the [dot] with a period, and with the subject line “Vampires,” or comment on this article. A winner will be chosen January 25, 2014. U.S. residents only.

Check out more fantasy book reviews in our fantasy and fangs section.

Terrance V. Mc Arthur is a California-born, Valley-raised librarian/entertainer/writer. He lives in Sanger, four blocks from the library, with his wife, his daughter, and a spinster cat.