by DW Rhodes
I’m a big fan of cows and not ashamed to admit it.
This is because I’m a fan of dairy products. I don’t drink milk but I enjoy a nice yogurt, cup of cottage cheese or a delicious chocolate bar, all of which wouldn’t be possible if it weren’t for our nation’s milk production.
Whenever I visit the lovely agricultural area south of Fresno, I can’t zoom down the highways connecting the small towns of “the nation’s fruit basket” without rolling down the window and tossing an appreciative wave at the nation’s cows as they graze in the nation’s fields.
Sometimes I’ll even pull the car over if the nation’s cows are standing close to the fence, and I’ll smile at my bovine sisters and say, “Thanks for the milk.” They happily flip their tails in response to this and chew their cud a little faster as if to speed up production because FINALLY, someone appreciates them! “Happy cows make for happy yogurt,” I always say.
I sat down in one of these fields to catch up with Mooble Hoofer, a longtime resident of Kardu Dairy Farm and “grand old dame of the meadow.”
First of all, thank you very much for seeing me on such short notice, Mrs. Hoofer.
Oh you’re welcome sweetie, and it’s just Miss.. cows don’t marry even though we ARE in California. We’re still pretty far south of San Francisco.
Right.. so I guess I’ll get right to it. Do you enjoy being a dairy cow?
I do, I do! I get plenty to eat all day long and I don’t have to exercise much. They frown on that, actually. All I have to do is stand around and squirt my milk into a machine every day. That’s it. Pretty easy job.
People drive by all day long and seldom even glance in your direction. Does that make you feel unappreciated?
Listen, I’ve had my children and even though I don’t know where they are and they never write, I’m just glad to be providing all young folk with something nutritious that they need. Sure it can be a thankless job, but once in a while a reporter comes around who wants to interview us and raise cow awareness. Thank you!
You mean I’m not the first?
Oh dear me no, you’re not even the biggest. Ever heard of TIME?
The magazine?
Yes, and National Geographic. They each brought a photographer and bought me lunch.
You stand in a field and eat grass.
Not when they came, I didn’t.
So Miss Hoofer, tell me a little of your family history.
Well let’s see, I’m a Holstein so my ancestors were German Moononites who settled this area in the late 1800’s. We’ve been providing milk here for well over a hundred years and we have a proud tradition of continuing to do so.
That’s wonderful! Now how about those kids you just mentioned? You said they never write and that’s just awful.. kids these days, huh? But tell us a little about them. Their names, what they’re like, and so on.
Well, let’s see.. Johnny was the first and he was quite a little rebel! Always wandering off to greener pastures but I’m forever indebted to that little dear, because he started my milk production career. Then Eddie, Jack and Ted came along. They were all normal kids but Steven was unusual.. he was the most recent. He was a bit, how should I say it? Nerdy? Is that what we call it? Well, he was a frail little thing and the bigger males picked on him, but he was smart, my Steven! The last I heard he runs a chain of dairy farms in the midwest and they all work for him.
What do you do for fun, Miss Hoofer?
Fun? What’s that? (laughs and swishes her tail) Dear me, I don’t get much time off, except in the evenings I guess. I’ll wander over to the south pasture and visit with my old friend, Martha Fleason. She and I have a lot in common, you know. My Eddie once mated with her Isabel but the poor little offspring had two heads. I guess it’s not so bad, since the little thing gets to travel with a carnival and see all these lovely little towns across America.
(Laughs and swishes.)
Also, having two heads is kind of lucky in a way, because it gets to see twice as much.
(A loud whistle blew and Miss Hoofer’s tail stopped swishing.)
Oh dear, that’s the milking whistle! I must go! My udder is bursting at the seams, but it’s been wonderful talking to you, dear. Although, next time, you should really think about treating a girl to lunch.
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